Road(trip) Rage
by black.k.kat
Summary: Hashirama should not be allowed to do anything ever. It's the one thing Madara and Tobirama agree on.


MY BROTHER IS AN ASSHOLE and wanted me to write him something. Peter, dearest, accept all my feelings for you in fic form. *heart*

Happy AU, nobody dies but Madara is still a jerk, mostly gen with very large ship banners being waved in the distance because I'm remorseless trash.

* * *

Hashirama is beaming at him.

Tobirama gives his brother a long, flat look, then drops his gaze back to the papers in his hand. It's a mission assignment, clear and standard now that they actually have a standard to work from. The objective is to retrieve an ancient item hidden in a cave in the far north of Lightning Country, possibly with opposition from the item's guardians if there are any. Normally, Tobirama would have absolutely no problem with such a mission—it's hardly the first time he's been sent on a retrieval mission, and it's not hubris to think he's good at them. His record speaks for itself.

However, as for his partner on this mission…

Tobirama raises one unimpressed eyebrow at the large, dark tea-stain obscuring the other shinobi's name, and then lifts his head to regard his brother.

Hashirama just keeps beaming.

"I suppose," Tobirama says a touch wearily, because he _grew up_ with this idiot and is more familiar with his ridiculous ideas than most, "that there's no way to request a copy of the original?"

If anything, Hashirama's smile just gets wider. "I'm sorry," he says with enough sympathy to choke anyone less resilient. "But by the time I found where the papers had disappeared to, you'd probably be late, and we can't let you make a bad first impression like that, Tobirama!"

Just to be sure he's not hallucinating anything, Tobirama double-checks the meeting time and feels his eyebrow climb higher. _Possibly_ it could take Hashirama three hours to find a simple mission assignment. Tobirama certainly wouldn't put it past him. But he knows his brother, and knows when he's up to something—not that it's _difficult_ , since Tobirama has seen three-year-olds who are better at subtlety.

He resists the very strong urge to roll his eyes. "And I suppose you don't remember the name that _you wrote on the paperwork_?"

The Hokage of Konohagakure, quite possibly the greatest shinobi of his generation, tries to look offended. All he manages is vaguely constipated. "Tobirama, I'm sorry if it's an inconvenience, but I do handle a very large volume of paperwork every day and it just…slipped my mind." He adds a beaming smile for effect.

It doesn't work.

However, Tobirama has learned, through much trial and error, that anything less than going along with his brother's plans—however grudgingly—will result in pouting, sulking, and flouncing, and there's not actually much he _won't_ do to spare himself that. So instead of arguing, or insisting, or even outright refusing, Tobirama just sighs, tucks the scroll into his belt pouch, and bows to his idiot older brother. "Of course, Hokage-sama. I'll take my leave, then."

"Splendid! Good luck, little brother!" Hashirama cries, cheerfully waving him out of the office. Tobirama gives in and actually rolls his eyes, but goes regardless, with a muttered, "Brother."

It's a threat, even if Hashirama chooses not to see it that way. After all, Tobirama has free run of the Senju compound, up to and including every morsel of food his older brother ingests. And, reserved and stoic or not, Tobirama is certainly not above a bit of petty revenge when the situation calls for it.

This one, he feels certain, likely will.

* * *

Of _course_ it's Madara.

The Uchiha stares right back at him, clearly equally horrified at the idea of several weeks in close quarters with him, and then spins on his heel.

"Your brother dies for this," he growls, stalking out of the village. "I'm going to brain him with that damn crystal ball he wants so badly."

"I will happily lend my assistance," Tobirama bites out, following behind.

He's fairly certain this isn't the type of bonding that Hashirama intended them to go through, but it's his brother's own fault. After weeks in the wilderness with no company but Madara, Tobirama will happily take pleasure in his screams, and not lose a wink of sleep.

"Keep staring at my ass and I'll bury you right next to him, Senju!"

Tobirama's eyes narrow on the back of Madara's skull. "While I'm already convinced your head is firmly up your ass, Madara, my gaze was significantly higher. It's not as though you're worth looking at anyway."

Tōka, lazing near the gates and ostensibly on guard duty, whistles lowly. "Oooh, shots fired," she murmurs, and when Tobirama glares at her she winks cheekily. "Have fun, little cousin."

"And keep your paws of my little brother, harpy!" Madara snarls over his shoulder.

Tōka's expression immediately goes arctic. "Drown him," she advises. "I promise you, no one will care."

Madara squawks, violently offended, but before he can launch himself at Tōka—who would likely win a fight between them, with her access to Izuna on the line—Tobirama grabs him, reaches for the furthest Hiraishin seal he can sense, and hurls them both headlong across the northern reaches of Fire Country.

The motion sickness he still hasn't managed to counter is more than worth completing their mission as quickly as humanly possible.


End file.
